Saturday

Disgruntled Ex, Unhappy Dating Younger, Older

They don't like it, they despise it, exes angry that their former partners have moved on with someone younger.  They thought that the marriage or relationship was going to last, "meant to be" and then things changed.  Now exes are disgruntled, jealous, and even plotting revenge!  How does someone in an age gap relationship handle an ex along with the family members and mutual friends who support him or her?

You will need to make it clear you are no longer interested in a relationship with an ex.  Some people just don't give up easy, so they will beg, plead, or even make a nuisance of themselves with "Remember when..." stories and "You know you still love me" types of phrases.  Yet, the truth is you want to get as far away from an ex as possible, right?  If not, don't play mind games with your current partner or else you lose.  For example, young, attractive women know they can replace older partners with ease. If an older man is still in love with an ex or is still caught up with an ex's sweet words and other niceties, then he needs to take the time to figure out his situation alone and disconnect from a current partner until he knows what he wants to do.  Stringing anyone along who you are unsure of while masking true feelings will cause much stress for the both of you.

Distance yourself emotionally and physically from exes.  This takes time but it can be done.  Don't discuss your personal life, decisions, or future with an ex.  He or she is really not your friend no matter how much you both might say you are.  What usually happens is a line or boundary you or an ex established is crossed sooner or later and when this happens whether a former partner was cross with you or flirtatious, you will experience guilty feelings, anger, and most likely will take your suppressed emotions out on your current partner.  Your unsuspecting and confused partner will not understand what is going on with you and your behavior just might lead to a major falling out or worse break up.

The phone conversations, invites to a meal, special events, and more cause unnecessary drama for new couples when exes are still around.  When you have children with an ex, you can still remain respectful but distant by not sharing details about your new life no matter how nosey or so called "caring" your ex is about you.  Oftentimes people use children as an excuse to keep an ex close or keep some kind of control over them.  Don't fall for the manipulation, rise above it and consult with an attorney or law enforcement if your ex is acting abusively or threatening to you or your new partner.

A new partner is only able to tolerate so much from a former partner or many.  You shouldn't expect him or her to be understanding when you still have unresolved issues with an ex or exes.  Always take care of your problems before you enter a new relationship and manage them while you are in one.  New relationships are challenging enough and the last thing anyone wants is a disgruntled, miserable, seductive, or vengeful ex around.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and She's Crazy.  Get your copy today!

Wednesday

Feeling Guilty About Dating Someone Younger, Older?

You were okay with the idea of dating someone older or younger until someone said something unflattering, you noticed stares from others, or your partner acted in a way that made you think, "What am I doing?"  You press forward dating the special someone anyway hoping that feelings of doubt, guilt, or worry will just go, but they don't.  You distract yourself from thinking negatively.  You look for the good in your connection.  You try real hard to make things work, but to no avail.  Ready to call it quits?

Feeling guilty about dating someone half your age or more or less is something that occurs when your dating out of the range that you are used to.  It's new, different and not everyone approves.  People have their share of hang-ups about getting older along with what they should and shouldn't do at certain ages so it isn't any surprise that someone or a group is giving you some flack about your choice in a partner.  But it's okay, you will survive the criticism.  If you really want to go all the way with the pretty young lady or mature gentleman, you will do it whether others like it or not.  Yet, if your personal concerns are getting the best of you lately, then you might as well talk about them with your companion and a therapist or counselor.  The last thing you want to do is one day commit to someone that you are really unsure about.

For older men they have their share of challenges about dating younger for obvious reasons that range from maturity level to health woes.  Then of course younger women are concerned about dating older men when they still very much value what others think, desire a family, and may not feel all that attracted to them as their partners age.  So there are those personal thoughts to consider, but above them all one must think, "Is this what I really want or am I just settling, trying a new experience until someone better comes along?"

Weigh in on your feelings and harness what is starting to make you feel so bad.  Could you be doing or saying something that makes you or your date feel awful about being together?  Are there unresolved issues of the past that are affecting your current relationship?  Does this person make you feel like you are dating a relative?  Ugh.  Whatever the issue might be, only you know what you can tolerate. 

Feeling a steady increase of guilt is a warning sign you just might need to slow down and avoid dating young or old.  You also might want to reconsider who you are confiding in about your relationship.  There are plenty of people who have their personal issues about age gap relationships while others are jealous and can only wish to attract a successful date or gorgeous young woman.  If you find that there is simply too much negativity coming from family, friends and others, you will need to spend some time away from them, sort out your feelings, and then make a decision whether the person you are with is really worth all the upset.  Once you know what you sincerely want, you introduce your partner to loved ones while making it clear how special he or she is to you.  When you take the relationship seriously, others will at the very least recognize that you deeply care for your companion and will back off if they want to keep a positive connection with you.

Don't allow guilt to get in the way of a potentially great relationship!

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

Age Didn't Matter Until...


I didn't notice the age difference until "they" pointed it out.

Age gap dating highs and lows.  Sometimes you discover there are more lows than highs.


by Nicholl McGuire

Should You Date an Older Man or Woman?

Someone who is 10, 15, 20 or even 30 years older than you has expressed romantic interest.  However, lately you have had some mixed feelings about dating them, how do you deal with your doubts and be at peace with your decision to date, stay in the relationship or end it?

Meet Nadine, she was 21 when she met Dalton 31.  He seemed to have his life very much together as compared to some of the guys she met her own age.  However, Nadine and Dalton came from different worlds.  When Dalton was a child, men were very domineering over women and when Nadine was a child every woman she ever knew was independent.  Their worlds began to collide.  Dalton expected Nadine to listen to him and follow his instructions about cooking and keeping the house clean, take his suggestions on how to dress in front of men and most of all how to communicate with him without using slang and curse words.  Dalton mentioned to her one day he thought she was rather young and they didn’t have many common interests, but there was nothing more said about his statement.  He avoided bringing the age difference issue up to her again, because he definitely didn’t want to break up with her at least not right then.  On the other hand, Nadine wasn’t sure she could continue to look at Dalton’s receding hairline much longer while he gave her his suggestions about how she should act.  She also grew weary of sitting at home watching Dalton’s selection of classic movies on weekends.  Both of them continued to see one another despite their differences; however, they were considering on breaking up with one another secretly.

Although Nadine’s complaints seem trivial, she is use to doing things with people mainly her own age and she socializes with very youthful and attractive people (who haven’t lost their hair at least not yet.)  On the other hand, Dalton works around many people his own age and doesn’t see anything wrong with “teaching” Nadine.  Despite their conflict over age differences, they get along at times, but they are silently grappling with the issue.

Before you decide to date, propose, marry or break up with someone much older or younger than you, be sure to write down all of your concerns.  Don’t just think about how you feel about him or her presently, but how you may feel about them in the future.  What is important to you about another person’s personality and physical attributes may not be so important to everyone else.  The decision you reach should be one you are comfortable with not one someone else tries to convince you to make.  Some people may tell you how great it is to date someone older for wisdom, wealth, growth and other reasons that seem logical.  However, you may have a problem with the way he or she looks, talks to you or treats you out in public.  Others may tell you how wonderful it is to date a younger person, because they don’t have as much baggage, they are exciting and youthful, yet you may find their conversations are annoying or discover they are completely the opposite of what you expected.  Avoid going into a relationship or continuing one with heavy doubts.  If there is a small voice telling you he or she is not the one, listen to it.  No matter how reasonable or logical someone’s advice may sound, go with what gives you peace of mind.

Being with someone who is older or younger is very similar to dating someone inter-racially.   People will stare and comment.  Your own family may be critical and tell you what they think of your mate.  You will have to be prepared to stand strong in the face of opposition if you really want your relationship to work.  Some ex-spouses will attempt to make life difficult for you (and use the children if you have any.)  They may be jealous, angry or even still in love with you depending on how you broke up with them.  Know how to handle them, so that your new mate will not feel insecure or want to leave you.

Questions you may have not thought about are as follows.  Consider asking yourself the following and acting on your response.  It is best to know what you want and how you feel about the relationship before you fall too deeply in love. 

Before You First Met

How would you describe your life before meeting this older or younger person?  This question is important to answer.  For instance, some people who are in their 40s could have recently came out of a relationship with someone who was about the same age and found he or she to be rather boring, tired, miserable, or depressed.  As we know the older you get the more likely hormonal changes occur, unexpected aches and pains and other body challenges.   Sometimes hormones will motivate desires to have every facet of one’s life be changed such as ending a long term marriage, selecting a younger more exciting mate, quitting his or her job and traveling, buying a sports car that one cannot afford, exercising obsessively, dressing younger or taking a deep interest in having a baby or caring for babies. Some people later regret their decisions because they realize a visit to the doctor’s office and a prescription could have kept them from making life- altering changes.  Maybe the problem wasn’t with their previous mate; instead, he or she may have had mental issues.

Another thought you may want to consider, if you are younger, is how was your relationship with your mother and father growing up?  Do you find there is a pattern in selecting mates older than you?  There are young women who are very much in need of a father figure and will confuse that need with their desire to date an older man.  If she had no male influence growing up or her own dad didn’t seem interested in relating to her, she may look for qualities in an older man to compensate for what she lacked in childhood.  An older man who may be aware of this behavior may want to consider what role he will want to play in her life:  good friend, lover, god father, acquaintance or all of the above. 

Some older men have desires to have someone care for them particularly if they never had a daughter. There may be a reason why for some of you, you are consistently seeking younger women.  Think about your past relationships, did you find yourself tempted to teach, correct and instruct your younger mate?  Do you find you can control a younger woman or “get away” with certain things you couldn’t with a woman your own age?

When You First Met

This younger or older mate definitely had something about them that drew you to them, what was it?   If you find there is nothing more than physical qualities, sex and/or money, then you can be sure the relationship will be challenged.  There has to be more than these attributes to make you want to be with him or her.  What is it you like or dislike about he or she?  What is it that your mate likes or dislikes about you?  Will you be able to deal with these differences long term?

Physical Characteristics

As we all know beauty comes and goes, will you still find him or her attractive in the short and long term?  What happens when he or she is ill, pregnant or disabled and not looking his or her best?  Have you centered the relationship on appearance and showing him or her off to the public for attention?  A man or woman with a fifty-year-old body doesn’t look like a man or woman with a twenty or thirty-something year old body?  Will you be able to handle a body aging?  If you are older, are you confident enough in the way you look that you won’t give your younger mate a hard time when you see them around people many years younger than you?  If you are younger, what are your feelings about gray hair, balding, protruding bellies and varicose veins? 

Personality

There will be those moments when you may say something that will reveal your true age.  It may be a story about how you grew up, what kind of music you like, how old your parents are or something reminding your mate how old or young you are.  How do you feel when you have conversations with your mate and how does he or she make you feel?  Do you find him or her uninteresting?  Do you feel more comfortable around people who are your own age?  How do you think your feelings will affect your relationship in the future?  As discussed earlier, hormonal changes will also come to challenge the relationship.  For men, will you be able to handle a future pregnant woman’s mood swings, menopause, or PMS?   As for women will you be able to deal with male mental and physical issues?

Finances

When either a younger or older mate has wealth, he or she may be very generous or protective of it.  They may not know what your motives are for being with them.  How will you respond to their concerns?  Do you have your own personal wealth you can be proud of?   Will your mate object if you work, don’t work, own your own business or go back to school?  Do you expect your mate to assist you?  Have you discussed how much you make, what kind of bills you pay and how much they are and if you can afford to help one another?  Can you both afford to travel, eat out at restaurants and enjoy other forms of entertainment?  All of these questions are important because our interests are a big part of our lives, if you want to do things together, you don’t want money to be an issue later in the relationship. 

Relatives

Your family will also reveal how old you are as well.  Her sister maybe twenty years old and yours may be forty years old.  Your mate may not have too much in common with her potential sister-in-laws and vice versa.  Don’t anticipate the family will love your mate, because they may not.  Instead, they will question, “What does this younger woman want with my son?  Why is this old man going out with my daughter?”  They will discuss motives among each other and eventually talk with you as to what they suspect is your mate’s reasons for being with you.  Don’t fall into the temptation to believe what you hear unless there is proof from your mate that tells you otherwise.

Children

If you had children or are thinking about not having any, then your younger mate needs to know this.  Don’t cover up how you really feel by saying, “Oh maybe one day.”  The truth will later reveal itself and when it does it won’t help your relationship.  If you are serious about not wanting children, state the truth.  If you have children from a previous relationship, tell your mate.  There are consequences whether you tell or don’t tell.  Avoid hurting your mate anymore than you have to by being honest and allow them the opportunity to make a choice whether to continue a relationship with you.  If you would like to have children one day, be sure your mate knows, but don’t try to convince him or her she will be a good father or mother, let them think about your plans and reach a decision on their own.  

Death

This should concern anyone in any kind of relationship.  The day will come where we will all die.  Think of the person you are with and include them on your insurance policy.  You don’t need to tell them what you have done.  However, if they choose to be with you for the rest of their lives and you are many years older, you know the days will come when they will most likely have to care for you.  Don’t leave your mate or children with any financial burdens.  Plan how your wealth will be handled once you are gone.


Although the information in this article is very detailed for a relationship that may not have started yet or is just beginning, it has provided you with a glimpse of what you will have to consider in the future.  Re-read it.  Make your decision to date someone older or younger wisely, not out of lust, selfish gain, curiosity or some other trivial reason.

Nicholl McGuire shares insightful wisdom around the web, check out "Messages for the Soul" on YourListen.com

Friday

10 Reasons Why Dating a Mature Gentleman Might Be Good for You

A woman doesn't always want someone who is her own age or younger, there are men out there who are mature, have great personalities and are emotionally, physically and spiritually stable.  If your experiences with dates have been subpar, you can't seem to connect with men your own age, then why not consider dating someone 10, 15 or 20 plus years older?  So when does a woman know when dating a mature gentleman is indeed right for her?

1)  When she has had more than enough failed attempts at dating men in her age group.

2)  When she has found that she is the one spending more money and time on men who simply are all looks and no go.

3)  When she has been told repeatedly that she acts older, wise, or mature for her age, but the partners she picks are immature or too young for her.

4)  When she has seen far too many connections around her lead to break ups, separation or divorce.  She might learn a few things from experienced widows who stuck it out with their wives for over 20 plus years.

5)  When she knows that she isn't the least bit attractive to young men.

6)  When she can clearly see in the mirror that she looks older for her age and the men in her age group aren't showing any interest.

7)  When she has been accused of being over confident, knows too much, or expects too much from young men.

8)  When all she seems to attract is older men.

9)  When she desires things that only a mature, wealthy gentleman can afford to give her.

10)  When she is tired of feeling insecure with young men.

You probably can think of a few more reasons as to why a young woman would be better off with a mature man rather than someone close to her age.  However, keep in mind that no matter the age, all men have their share of issues you just have to make up in your mind what you can tolerate. 

Happy dating!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

Thursday

10 Tips on How Do You Know When an Older Man is Uncomfortable Dating, Committing to You

When some older men choose to date younger women, they are apprehensive at first.  These are the men who haven't dated anyone decades younger, because for years they have been preoccupied with their own age group or older.  Their discomfort with dating someone younger is due to many things including not being confident in who they are, nervous about what others might think, fighting feelings of incompatibility or inadequacy, and a host of other emotions.

A young woman might pick up on some signs that an older man may not be sold out on dating her and may call the relationship off before he does.  Here are some reasons that would make any woman (young or old) not want to continue dating a man insecure about the age gap. 

1.  He doesn't mention bringing you around family or friends.

Repeated conversations might have come up about family and friends yet he doesn't take you anywhere around these people.  He might make promises to meet them one day, but somehow he finds a way to get out of making arrangements.

2.  He avoids planning outings where you are both seen together by those he knows.

He knows how his favorite relatives and friends are going to react so to save himself and you the embarrassment he just doesn't find meeting them important at this time.  Some men know they are not yet over exes and may be exposed on their lies, so rather than risk their young dates disconnecting from them, they will keep the keys to the truth hidden in this case people who know them well, family.

3.  He prefers taking you to places that appear out of the way, distant.

Does your partner have something to hide?  Bring up places you like to go repeatedly.  Don't be shut down by his suggestions.  If he doesn't make room for your input now, what makes you think he will later?  You have a right to a good time with anyone you choose not to a hidden romance with possibly a controlling and manipulative person.  So find out what is his reasons for putting off all your suggestions to visit together certain areas.

4.  He often talks about how young you are.

Run.  His view isn't going to change when you are 30 plus and active and he is 50 plus slowing down and not so active.  He knows he shouldn't have opened that door up to a younger woman and most likely people around him are telling him he needs to find women his own age.

5.  During disputes he comments, "You are stupid, act like child...why do I bother dating girls?"

Once again, he wanted to date you and now he complains about you.  No one has time to diagnose a head case.  Of course, you are going to act young, because your are YOUNG.  And the opposite of young is old.  He ought to act his age and stop with the name-calling.  Say bye, Felicia!

6.  He appears nervous and uncomfortable when you speak to others in his presence.

Is he worried that you might sound immature to his circle?  Is he concerned you might talk too much?  Is he ashamed of how much more intelligent you might be compared to him?  Now how long is his negative demeanor supposed to last?  Don't hold up your life for the man who doesn't feel comfortable in your presence--move on.

7.  He acts confused, even rude, when you explain to him what your age group likes.

Of course he can't relate to a person 10 plus years younger if he doesn't bother reading or watching anything you and your group finds interesting.  He is clueless!  His age really begins to show when he starts talking about things from back in the day that you can't wrap your head around.  Unless you and he are willing to find common ground, there will be none in personal interests, business, parenting, etc.  Take a moment and research what it was like for him growing up, being a young man, and what he did during the age you are right now, you will learn a lot about why he carries the views he has about women, sex, communication, lifestyle, and more.

8.  He often says things like, "You need to grow up!  Are you wearing that?" it's as if he is pressuring you to act and dress older.

Once again he is showing just how much he is not on board with the age gap relationship.  Rather than accepting it, he turns it into a father daughter connection. Ugh!  Can we say, controlling!?

9.  He starts to talk negatively about marriage and family and how much of a burden you and other people, places and things in his life are, we have a problem, Houston.

There is a lot said when nothing is said.  Maybe he hasn't verbalized anything but his gradual disinterest says it all.  Yet, if he has shared some mean-spirited comments about everything from who you are to parenting practices, it is safe to say he wants out.  Some men should have never even entertained the thought of marriage and children for themselves--they are ill-equipped emotionally and physically.  Not every man or woman is meant to be married and have children especially when they have a history of not wanting to be either/or. 

Look back on the months and years being with the older man and you will see just how much he has changed.  If he is a better person as a result of the marriage and family planning, bravo!  But if he is nit-picking, complaining, and placing blame on you as well as other women including his own mother, time to redirect your attention to greener pasture.  Men like this only get older and grumpier about their life choices.

10.  He has made it plain that he doesn't like or love you for any number of reasons he has came up with and none has anything to do with the fact that he is older.

Of course, he has to find everything that is wrong with you and not him.  He has to run from the fact that he had no business dating/marrying you in the first place.  Most likely he was forewarned by loved ones early on that most age gap relationships don't last.  They questioned him, "What do you want with that young woman?"  And we all know what many older, single men or newly divorced ones want other than friendship, sex and to relive those days when they had a crush--aww, not!  You weren't put on this planet to be anyone's temporal fantasy.  So you awaken to the truth and most likely you slammed the older man with something like, "There is more to me...You are just using me since you want to say all I want is your money...well that isn't all I want...I want more out of life!  And it would have been nice to be with someone who genuinely loved me and treated me with respect.  I am not responsible for your insecurities when it comes to dating or being with young women.  Get over yourself and be the kind of man you claim to be!"

When he met you young woman, he knew you didn't have as much money as he, may not have owned or drove a fancy car, lived with roommates or alone, had debt possibly up to your eyeballs, yet you looked very attractive--far more better looking than other women he dated and youthful too.  So he didn't want to pass up the opportunity when you gave it to him.  Now he has second thoughts, third thoughts, and whatever other doubts about being with you.  It is what it is, right?  Now the ball is in your court, what to do?  I think you know the answer to that question.

Here's to a successful future!

Nicholl McGuire

  

Wednesday

Bad Men You Should Avoid Like a Plague

Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame.  In some cases they really weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew well in advance they just hoped he would stop. 

Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make.  For some, they truly had no idea their boyfriend meant bad news for them.  

The ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?” continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you ask.  Some women may have found out about their problem boyfriends and stayed because of love, status, money and/or power.  Others may have stayed so long with their troubled men because they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s fathers over issues they felt could have been resolved.  Still many women feel they can change men even though we know otherwise.  

As long as women continue to believe that the power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject themselves to mental and physical abuse.  These strategies simply will never work for some men.  There comes a time when women will have to get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to change.  She will have to stand up carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the relationship now.”

The following advice is written for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.”  She may be struggling with whether she is ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a friend.  Although the best advice is not to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be those women who will still stay.  If those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically abusive.  They most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and their children.

The Liar – In the beginning of the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies.  He had what seemed like convincing excuses; therefore you let him get away with them.  Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not at all.  Actions you may want to consider are the following:  Approach him not only with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof.  Stop taking his lying lightly.  Let him know that this behavior you will not accept any longer.  If he chooses to continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good.  Once you have made a decision that you are leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts, thoughts and feelings.  You must not leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over time.

The Player also known as The Pimp – This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite sex.  He will use cell phone, email, your house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets.  He will leave a trail of evidence whether it is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts, read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete.  He begins to create a pattern in his actions when you have become old and someone else becomes new.  Look out for this repetitious pattern.  

The Player may develop his pattern after work on a daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not at all. Notice the changes in his demeanor and conversation compared to how he behaved before you suspected something.  

Another pattern he may create is choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and tending to "it" faithfully. What you can do to find out if he is sincere is offer to pick him up from his "class" on some nights.  Watch his reaction.  There may also be the weekend pattern of always “needing to get away, have some "time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.”  All the while making little or no time for the two of you to go out and be seen together.  

Think about this, when you suggest new places to visit, does he find an excuse to take you to the same area you both are familiar rather than trying a new spot?  This behavior could be occurring to keep you from running into the other woman or women.  He finds a way, any way, to travel to places without you.  He regularly uses an excuse such as “I’m going to my mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of Frank.”  

Be careful family and friends will cover for him.  He will call you, at times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women.  He is protective of his cell phone and his computer; if you tried to check either it may be password protected.  You may want to consider whether having to worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation.  In time, you will become insecure, angry for no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you meet.  This is baggage you don’t need.

The Thief – He has been around when things go missing.  At first you didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed someone else for taking them.  Yet, you have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash sitting around, and other important items.  It is time to come up with a plan, set him up.  The kind of plan you come up with can’t be easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is trustworthy.  Time is money and the longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.

The Hustler – He is always thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally.  From identity theft to standing on the street corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living lavishly.  Now you may think that what he has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about.  This man is dangerous.  He has enemies and one day some one will catch up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight won’t be pretty.  You must ask yourself this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around you in danger?

The Abuser/Controller – You can never do anything right.  He is often critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he wants you to stop living your world to be with him.  In the beginning of the relationship, you justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse.  Whether he is physically ill, illiterate, disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain how you feel about him to him.  You may have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or physically.  You may have told yourself that things will get better and he is making an effort to change.  Well that is good if he is sincere about becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking, punching, and grabbing.  There are no rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men.  There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible and you are not He.

The Mooch – You have invited him once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet.  During inopportune times, he says he needs to stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you are located.  When he offers to take you out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time lobster!)  He drives your car and doesn’t fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a measly $5 or $10.  Holidays come and go with very little if any acknowledgement from him.  Yet, you bought him (and possibly his relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not.  

The Mooch displays affection, says all the right things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from you.  If you choose to continue a relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows.  You could stop being so generous and treat him how he treats you.  For example, when you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you.  Put a limit on how often he drives your car.  Avoid helping him when he is in a bind since you know he won’t help you.  Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother, sister or brother.)  If he begins to see you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away from you without you having to break up with him.

The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs?  Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed afterward?  Are most of the relationship problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior?  If so, then you will have to consider whether or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all been affected by his negative ways.  If he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him alone.

This small sample of men you are better off without in your life is nothing compared to all the other ones who are out there that you just might recognize immediately and kick to the curb.  Do take a moment to check out my book and I wish you well, Ladies!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and manages Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, the blog named after the book.

Monday

Lustful Stares from Older Men

It happens you are the young lady that has captivated the interest of an older man whether he is with a partner or not.  You can see from his lustful staring at your face and/or body that he is interested.  However, do you really want to talk with a man who looks at you like you are a fresh cut of meat?  Here's why men like this are such a turn-off for some young women.

1)  He usually does the same to other young women.

2)  When he is with a partner looking lustfully at other women, it is safe to say he is disrespectful to her as well as other ladies he is around and lacks self-control.

3)  Young women who are busy tending to an errand, focused on getting somewhere, or walking with a partner aren't the least bit interested in an older man who creeps them out with all his staring.

There are other reasons why men like this are better left alone.  Looking at any woman with a lustful look is not only something that might get some old man hurt by her younger partner, father, or brother, but it also says a lot about him, "Keep away."

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

Tuesday

10 Hollywood Age Gap Romances

The number of Hollywood age gap romances and marriages continues to grow between older men and younger women.  Here are more you may have known about or not.

1) David Foster, 67, and Katharine McPhee, 33, ignite romance rumors

2) Steven Tyler made things red carpet official with Aimee Preston, his personal assistant, at an Oscar party in February 2016. She's 39 years younger than the Aerosmith rocker

3) David Cross and Amber Tamblyn

4) Rowan Atkinson is 28 years older than Louise Ford

5) Jeff Goldblum is 31 years older than Emilie Livingston

6) Kelsey Grammer married Katy Walsh (27-years-younger)

7) Alec Baldwin with 26-years-younger wife, Hilaria Baldwin

8) Susan Crow is Tony Bennett's third wife, and she is 40 years younger than Tony

9) Mel Gibson's girlfriend Rosalind Ross is 35 years younger

10) Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey have a 14-year age difference

Active and Inactive Older Men, Younger Women

If you are one who doesn't have much of a lifestyle outside of the workplace, then think twice about involving yourself with an active, fit woman.  She will tire you out!  You will find yourself wanting her to change her activities to suit you.  "When will we get together again?  I was just wondering when you will come back so that we can sit on the couch, stuff our faces, and watch movies together?"  Would you a mere 20 plus want to keep seeing a guy like that?  So what does the active guy got that the inactive guy doesn't?  Energy.  Simply put he does the kind of activities that keep him mentally and physically fulfilled.  When you call this guy he is out in the yard working, on the treadmill, at the mall, helping his parents out, and then he winds down after work.  He doesn't relax before the day even gets started!  But the inactive guy is often pleasuring himself first before he even thinks about tending to something like washing dishes, performing yard work, or shopping.  He puts off much unless he is getting paid for it i.e. he'll show up for work, but then how much work is really doing?


Now if an older man desires to attract and keep a young woman, it would make plenty of sense to do the kind of things that will keep him physically fit.  The secret is many fit young women are not too happy with their overweight partners no matter how much money or time you spend with them.  I have met these women online and a couple have considered dating men who are younger despite being married to older partners.  You see money is great when you have it, but what it can't do is change the mind of someone who is uninterested in dating or remaining in a relationship with someone who has let his or herself go.  Whoever said fat, lazy, and inconsiderate is okay needs their head examined, but so many people want others to accept things in their lifestyles that they can manage.

An active guy who cares about himself as well as others is definitely a good catch and if a woman is like him, the pair just might be great together.  However, when one is not-so active and the other is, there might be challenges such as:

1.  The active partner wants to go places and participate in activities more frequently.
2.  The inactive partner enjoys spending most days parked in front of electronic devices.
3.  The active partner is sociable and has a life outside of work and a relationship.
4.  The inactive partner often complains that he or she isn't getting enough attention.
5.  The fit partner enjoys looking good for self and others.
6.  The not-so fit partner tends to act jealous and/or controlling.  He or she also fear that one's partner will meet someone who is more attractive.

Now some people have their share of personal issues which makes them less active.  Consider the aging process and health challenges for starters.  If a partner's health problems are a concern, one might consider dating people his or her own age, rather than demand a young or older partner to change his or her lifestyle while mistreating him or her.

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues available in print and eBook.

Young Women: The Older He is, The Closer to His Grave

Man Holding Pocket Watch in Grayscale

Live life to the fullest, but keep in mind, he just might not be around as long as he thinks.
Besides, do you have a cap on how old is too old for you?--lol

Tuesday

Being Overweight and Obese Affects Relationships Sooner or Later

We can convince ourselves all we want that being overweight or simply fat is unimportant like we do when we say, "Age is nothing but a number." Yet, health issues are important as indicated in other blog posts on this site and when you are in denial, you only make matters worse for you and those you claim to love.

There isn't anything sexy about a man or woman who can't walk very far, doesn't enjoy periodic sex due to health issues, and makes excuses as to why he or she refuses to improve one's self.  Then throw in unflattering clothing, a body odor and mood swings due to weight related problems.

I think of a man who was quite small in stature who dated and eventually married an obese woman.  Both are now deceased (RIP), but I learned a thing or two from observing those two.  Love didn't conquer the wife's obese issue.  The man acted impatient and mean-spirited to her.  He had his drinking problem and she had her overeating challenges before the pair met one another.  In time, the slim alcoholic cheated on her with other women who didn't look anything like her while she kept right on buying, cooking and eating her comfort foods.  The large woman, who later separated and then divorced her cheating husband, wasn't in denial about her weight issue, but rather than stay on top of improving herself, she sought the attention of men who would accept her just the way she was.  Needless to say all she got was friendship with one.

For the singles, keep searching for someone who is accepting of your weight issue, but keep in mind that at some point in the relationship, you and your future partner will have to face reality regardless of what motivational speakers and books say in their attempt to make you feel good about eating badly and being phat (fat). 

An overweight person comes with his or her share of challenges and just because he or she doesn't have symptoms now doesn't mean they won't ever. According to medical reports here's what to look out for:  type 2 diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, nonalcoholic fatty liver disease (excess fat and inflammation in the liver of people who drink little or no alcohol), osteoarthritis (a health problem causing pain, swelling, and stiffness in one or more joints), some types of cancer: breast, colon, endometrial (related to the uterine lining), and kidney stroke.  Add sexual issues for some to this list.  Due to the weight, an obese person is limited to what he or she can do.  Sometimes it is hit or miss when trying to make a partner reach orgasm because he or she tires quickly.  You can learn more about overweight and obesity related issues here.

With so many symptoms related to eating one's favorite comfort foods far more than necessary, how might these health ailments impact one's age gap relationship?  Not only is the young woman dealing with the aging processing of her older partner, but his weight issues too.  Then again, it may be the other way around, the mature man having to remind his younger companion to stop eating so much.
When one is battling with weight loss, he or she isn't going to be the nicest person to be around.  The individual will have his or her share of mood problems, hunger pains, and frustrations while expecting one's partner to be more understanding.  The person may not be in the mood for sex due to strenuous workouts leaving muscles sore or a lack of exercise while body weight continues to increase. 

Sometimes people start off well eating healthy and exercising, but once they feel comfortable in a relationship, they let themselves go.  This is when the arguments increase.  Let's face it who we were attracted to initially is what we hope to see for as long as we are in a relationship with her or him.  But if we can't stand change, then we aren't going to do so well especially if we are hung up on appearance.  The person may lose the weight, but then he or she may not.  What will you do?

So before you shrug your shoulders and say, "I don't care that he (or she) is overweight..." think again particularly if you pride yourself on being physically fit or you are working hard to lose the weight.  Some men think they can change women and some women think they can change men.  Well in a May-December romance, it is going to be quite difficult to teach a stubborn old dog new tricks.



Nicholl
Twitter @bodyhealthnews

Monday

Older Men - Is Your Age Starting to Get the Best of Your Younger Partner?

Okay so the thought of the older guy getting older is no big deal for some young women, but for others, it is a big deal.  The grim thoughts of what a future may "look" like is important to those women who grew up in families where appearance is everything, fitness is essential, and being with a good provider for one's beloved daughter/sister/niece is weighty.  Oh yes, the older man must step it up in order to remain relevant in the beautiful young lady's life otherwise he runs the risk of being left behind.


Now there are those young women who view love, compassion, respect, and kindness toward their older partners significant in order to make a relationship work, that is when they receive such positive behaviors in return.  However, older women who have been in marriages 10 plus years with partners who are seniors (and not coping so well with midlife) know better that there are days when being nice, patient, and sweet is not what they would say about them.  "He has his days," says one unnamed older woman.  But in all fairness, women have their days too at any age, but this post isn't about them.  So we will stick to discussing those issues that young women have with their older partners maturing.

One young lady reached out to me about a year ago complaining about the lack of sex in her relationship and she was disappointed that her partner wanted less sex.  There was an age difference of 16 years from what I recall.  Then another woman said the same thing about her older partner and then another and another with one sharing quite boldly, "There was no sex and she was considering on having an affair."  What the?  I started thinking there was an epidemic-- little or no sex!?  Now in each situation, the men didn't express any emotional or physical problems to their partners, but with the sheer amount of advertising for male supplements, it is safe to say a lot is going on with men like women. 

Think about this, if an older guy expects a young, attractive woman with a healthy sex drive to be celibate in a marriage or committed relationship while claiming there is nothing wrong with him, someone is asking for trouble.  The cover up is to blame the woman for everything that is wrong.  "We didn't get along...Your mother was difficult.  She had problems.  She didn't want sex.  I tried to be affectionate, but she didn't respond." says dad/uncle/friend.  When the truth is the old guy wasn't putting out--taking care of his woman and she reached that point of frustration where she just couldn't take the b.s. any longer!  Just be honest.  Throw in cheating on the lady and it doesn't help matters, because the old guy will soon discover he doesn't have it going on with the new gal either!

  

For years, a male relative blamed all the women who came and went out of his life for the relationship's demise, but we knew he was the problem.  There were old, young, light, dark, tall, skinny, fat, from city to country, with children and without--a lot of women.  As children we called them, "Ms. or Miss..."  He dressed up his problem with designer suits.  He detailed his cars to lure women.  He took the women to nice places and traveled with them.  And he still couldn't keep any for long until he got older and played the "poor old guy" card with one gullible, young woman.  She stuck around for less than 10 years and played nurse to him for a small stipend.  Eventually his young partner became very ill herself and passed away.  The moral to that story I had learned was don't ever assume that because you are younger you will outlive your gentleman friend.

Some older men will complain like older women about not being in the mood.  Understandably so. The aging process is hellish for some couples especially when they don't take care of themselves like: forgetfulness, chronic pain, mood swings, irritability, impatience, anger outbursts, etc.  But my question to older men, who know they have issues, why rob a young woman of her youthfulness just to temporarily feel good while telling the guys, "Hey I got a young wife/girlfriend/mistress?"  Act wise and let her go freely rather than act selfishly.  As I said in a past blog entry, sooner or later that young lady will wake up to the truth and when she does, she will resent you for the false promises, lies, and other things you claimed you could do for her, but chose not to. 

Don't wonder why the following occurs in an age gap relationship:  increase in arguing with the young lady, anger because you don't like to do much, eye rolls from her family, the sudden rise of tension between what use to be a happy couple, and the mean-spiritedness she has toward you that seems to appear out of thin air with no rhyme or reason.  Getting older is the last thing a young woman is thinking about, but when she is paired with an older man who is slowly or rapidly changing, it forces her to face something she rather not.  "Where did time go?" she thinks.  "And what was I thinking getting involved with an older man?  I should have listened to my parents...grandparents...friends!"  Now off she goes hoping/wishing/waiting for anyone or anything to make her feel young and beautiful again.  Note:  All young women don't run to the arms of younger men.

When age related symptoms start growing like weeds and the one with the most issues chooses to do nothing about them, expect to get what you pay or don't pay for--problems.  The idea that someone is getting older affects all who are close to them.  Think of how it made you feel to see your parents, siblings, and other relatives age, what might the young lady be going through?  Are you making it any easier for her to adjust?

Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Is Not Listening to Tips, Concerns and Suggestions Contributing to Your Relationship Problems?

Intimate relationships were never meant to be handled like an inactive suggestion box. So why do we do it? Why do we state our every concern, suggestion, and problem to our partners only for them to just sit in the suggestion box locked away. You may have a box at work filled with all sorts of tips, concerns and problems to get the company moving in the right direction this year, but you never bother to open it or tell those in authority to open it. Why have a suggestion box at work or at home and you never do anything with it?


At home we most likely don’t have a tip box, but we give our concerns and suggestions as we walk by one another, sit down at a meal, or in between commercials in front of the television screen. He hears you and you hear him, but what comes of the conversation, my friend? Do you plan, make changes and set dates to get things done? Does he strategize to do anything differently? The answer to these questions is most likely not, because if you did you wouldn’t have as many relationship problems as you do. Some of you wouldn’t post on sites like popular social networking site, Facebook, under relationship status “complicated.” Your concerns, suggestions, and tips have been falling on deaf ears for days, weeks, even decades. What will it take to make something happen in your relationship? What will you have to do to see to it that everything you and your partner discussed gets done?

The best way to teach someone is by example. If there is something he or she is doing that you don’t like, you have to be the example. You get out there and get the support you need for your own habits. You start making the changes on the outside and inside that will make you feel better about yourself. You put aside the money you need to get the tasks done around the house. You do whatever you need to do to send a loud and clear message, “I don’t have time to be sitting down waiting around for you.” For instance, when a person cheats although it is a heartless, evil way to send a message to the one they supposedly love, it gets results, doesn’t it? Either the couple will stay together and make some changes in their relationship or break away from one other while realizing what failed in their past relationship. Do I advocate such a cruel act to get results, no way! But what I am saying is that it takes something either good or bad to wake people up in a relationship that seems to be spiraling downward.

I personally have been a victim of cheating back in my twenties and early 30s and the person doing the cheating, but I realized the things I did and didn’t do early on in the relationship such as, when my advisors told me, “He’s not the one. He’s no good for you” and I chose not to listen. I also have been the one to attend church alone, the one who separated from my partners days, weeks, and months at a time until they behaved or the relationship ended, sacrifice jobs, stop drinking and going out clubs and bars, cut off certain toxic friends, rearrange the household to benefit everyone even though I didn’t want to, limit spending including not buying the latest fashions and getting my hair done at the salon, and the one who had to apologize and make things right when I was in the wrong. I could go on and on but you understand that the only way sometimes to achieve peace in the household is to make a sacrifice of some sort.

If you have ever been called hard-headed, stubborn, immature, or self-righteous and nothing major has happened yet in your relationship to get you to change, well just stay in it long enough and some serious changes are bound to happen within days, weeks or years of you reading this article. Why wait until something negative occurs in your relationship to influence you to change? Why not take the gentle reminders, the notes on the wall, the light-hearted talks, the recent arguments, the tears you recently witnessed from your mate to motivate you toward change?

Not only should we listen to our partner, but we have to do too! She wants you to fix something, take her out, buy her something, why not do it? He wants you to be cautious of your tone of voice, help out more, or watch your spending habits? Why not do it? You may already know what will happen if you don’t. Some of you women reading this are feeling threatened in your relationship by someone or something, you know why you feel this way. Because there is something you know you aren’t doing. Maybe you should have ended the relationship a long time ago, but chose not to.

Nowadays you are mentally and physically suffering staying in something you don’t really want. Maybe some of you men reading this should stop drinking, because you know how alcohol affects you. It’s only a matter of time that someone will end up in jail or dead due to your abuse. Maybe you are one of those workaholics that should really consider what your partner is saying when he or she says, “I need you.” Maybe you are a man reading this whose partner says, “I need your attention,” but you rather yell about who she is talking to on the Internet and that co-worker she talks about at work. Maybe all of us need to stop spending so much time on the Internet and spend more time with those we say we love while doing the things around the house we have been putting off for weeks. Ask yourself, “Is it too late? Am I willing to do my part to see this relationship through until death do us part or is it better I leave?”

“Life is too short” so the old adage goes. So with that said, you need to make up in your mind how you want to live your last days on this earth. Do you want to live a life with someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to make your relationship work or would you rather go off on your own and hopefully find someone who may be better for you? Whatever you choose, don’t let another year go by without making a decision.

Nicholl McGuire also manages the blog Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.

Dating Advice, Relationship Problems: Sex Changes Your Life

Dating Advice, Relationship Problems: Sex Changes Your Life: You want change to happen in your life. You are tired of having empty relationships with people. These dating experiences start off well...

Wednesday

Observations of the Older Man Dating the Younger Woman

Ever wonder what you, your mate and others really think of the younger woman with the older man? Putting aside everything you have been told or what you have seen when it comes to relationships like this, could you sincerely be honest, fair, and even encouraging when it comes to dating an older or younger partner or befriending this type of couple? Depending on your age, how secure you are about yourself and your own relationship, and dating experiences will determine how you truly feel about a younger woman dating an older man.

You may be the younger woman curious about dating an older man or you may be the older man interested in dating a younger woman. Then again, you may not be either but just a concerned relative or friend. Whatever your reason for seeking additional information about younger women and older men, know that you aren’t alone in the way you feel. There are plenty of couples who either privately or publicly struggle with some issues as they come up and the more knowledge you have about the subject, the more comfortable you will feel about talking to an older man and younger woman. In addition, you will feel confident interacting with family members and friends with your older or younger companion by your side and/ or teaching others about your dating experiences. There are many questions and concerns about this subject of dating younger women and older men. For purposes of this article, we will discuss what some older men, younger women, friends, and family may be thinking about their relationship.

Let’s begin with the first. What do young women and older men really think when dating one another? One thought the couple may have relates to the newness of the relationship. For some they have dated an older or younger mate in the past, others have not so it may be more challenging for them. Couples also think about how unique they are from other couples in their circle especially if most of their friends are significantly younger or older. They also find that because of the age differences there are some very interesting subject areas that can be discussed from hobbies to employment. Further, they may talk about challenging topics as they come up such as: short and long term goals, emotions, responsibilities, religion, ethics, and accountability. These subjects are no different than any other couple who may be the same age or closely matched.

A concern that may come up during the dating phase is what does each partner honestly think about the other? For instance, an older man may look at his younger date as being someone very unique from what he is accustomed to dating. He may also notice how energetic, fun or independent she is unlike the women in his own age group. His younger partner may see her older man as intelligent, caring, kind, and mature unlike young men she has dated in the past. Together they may complement one another because they are so different. However, sometimes these differences can get in the way of one another’s future plans which unfortunately can lead to arguments and later separation or breakup. For example, let’s say his young partner is interested in saving money for her college education while her older partner is more concerned about retirement. They may have differences on what each may find a priority. Without open and honest communication often, most couples whether young or old will come to an end.

The popular question of “what will my friends think” may cross the couple’s mind especially with the younger woman. Since friendships are still very important to her, a young woman doesn’t want to feel isolated or ridiculed because she is with an older man, so she may either distance herself from her older partner. Sometimes a new relationship may override old friends and she may grow distant or cut them off altogether particularly if they have been increasingly judgmental. While peer pressure may affect youth, it has no impact on maturity. Her older partner who has already been through that phase in his life may not care what others think. However, there are some older men who do care about his friends’ opinions depending on his public involvement. For instance, an older man may cave into the pressure of his older boss, friends, business associates and others for the sake of his reputation. He doesn’t want the criticism of others affecting things like: his finances, relationship with his older children, or investments because he is with a younger woman. Sometimes older friends may actually like the idea he is with someone younger if it is bringing out the best in him. They may refer to his younger partner as “sexy, fun or good for you!”

A final concern that the couple may have is what their family thinks.  Although family may have been very supportive in the past about the couple’s former partners, they may not be so supportive when they see a drastic change in their relative’s taste in a man or woman. They may ask, “Why this man? He is just too old for you! Aren’t you concerned she might be a gold-digger? Don’t you think she is too young?” The family may have forgotten about the times in their past when someone didn’t like their mates because they were “too flashy, conceited, rude, arrogant, angry, or irresponsible.” When the couple finds that they are being inundated with negativity from family, they may decline invites to holiday celebrations, avoid visiting unless absolutely necessary, attend functions separately, and/or limit what information they share about their relationship. These are all precautions they use to protect their feelings about their mate.

The younger woman and older man may have a great, long-lasting future if they can put aside the comments of well-meaning family members and friends. They may want to evaluate each statement made by people in their circle by looking for signs of hidden jealous, criticism or personal bias.

Nicholl McGuire also manages the blog based on the book Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate


Monday

She's More Than Just a Pretty Face


Behind the face are many painful stories.
She was hurt by her father.
Heart broken by a boyfriend.
Fought with a sexist boss.
Deceived by manipulative friends.

And you want her.

Are you prepared to deal with what lies beyond the surface?

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

The Effects of Being with a Nasty Charmer - Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by N. McGuire

You may have experienced or witnessed the damaging effects of these "I am so fresh, good, sexy, perfect..." types and at times hated being around them but as a result of being abused by these males your personality might have changed and not necessarily for the better. Therefore, some relatives and friends may not find you as "nice" or "kind" since connecting with an abusive lover or partner. 
After one gets to know these closet abusers, they do not bring out your best emotions which makes it difficult to continue be the nice person you once were prior to getting your heart broken in a million pieces by them. If anything you find yourself, doubting most of what comes out of their nasty mouths (some of them are nice looking, but their teeth are terrible!) You can't ever believe what these charmers tell you, because you have busted them telling so many lies and now you have problems trusting others. While staying connected with these abusers, you might find yourself also short-tempered, impatient, blaming, often ready to fight, have a negative attitude, controlling, easily jealous, critical, prideful, etc. You may have had your share of disputes with these selfish men or said nothing out of fear, yet took your anger out on others. In Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin, a self-proclaimed narcissist, the author describes the egoist, "He is able to provoke in his milieu, in his casual acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist, the strongest, most avid and furious hatred and revulsion. To his shock, indignation and consternation, he invariably induces in others unbridled aggression." 

As you will read in this book, many public charming men are secretly mean-spirited, often angry and at times demonic wanting very much to kill their victims especially when no one is watching. Keep hanging out with them and you will find your demeanor getting worse instead of better--they will drive you mad! Imagine one day you lose it, go off the deep end, while the man you thought you knew sits back and behaves as if he never drove you insane. Witnesses show up and ask, "Why is that woman so mad at you?" the cruel gentleman responds ever so politely, "My God, I don't know why?" So you attempt to explain your case, but no one believes you. "He tried to kill me. He told lies about me. He said he wasn't married...He said he was getting a divorce. He claimed he didn't have any children. He used the children to hurt me. He pretended that he had lots of money and was going to help me, but never did. He rarely touched me, barely looked at me, when I tried to talk to him, he often ignored me..." The observers just shake their heads in disbelief. "No, he wouldn't act like that. He's my son, my brother, my uncle, my favorite cousin...Oh yes, the woman has gone mad. I pray that God will heal her."
With a wink, crooked smile, and a few mumbled curse words and before long the nice guy turns into the big, bad guy all-too-ready to beat his partner with his fists or whatever objects are within his reach if she was to do or say something he doesn't like again. If he is the emotionally abusive type, he will use his intimidating stare, silence, passive aggressive tactics, and other manipulations--of course when no is looking. Relatives, friends, and co-workers don't spend 24/7 with the socially sweet, privately cruel man and even if they did, would he reveal his dark side with them and would they be discerning enough to pick up on the signs?
You might have watched the evil rise through eyes of someone you thought you knew well. Almost instantly, you probably found yourself in fight or flight mode. "I think I better get out of here. I don't think I want to keep talking to him. Something is wrong with that guy," you told yourself. If this kind of behavior happens often enough, when in the presence of an unstable man, you become a nervous wreck. In time, you will want to do almost anything to calm this person when you see he is getting irritated. Notice the Holy Scriptures that warns men and women of double-minded people: James 1:7-8, 2 Peter 2:14, and Psalm 119:113.
You might start warning others, "Please, don't get that crazy man started. Don't say those things, you really don't know him. Make my life easier and try not to do or say..." However, others are not like you: afraid, worried, or nervous and aren't the least bit interested in following your rule book on, "How to Keep My Man Happy." Instead they have no problem challenging your troubled man. What they don't realize you will reap what they have sown. Cowardly men take out their rage on their women and children. The King James Bible warns, "Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go..." (Proverbs 22:24) this includes beloved church leadership, spouses, relatives, and others! When family and friends put up a fuss about not wanting their relatives to go with mean people especially after a dispute, it is because they care and they don't want anything bad to happen to their kin.
If you are with a man who really isn't as nice as he looks to others, you know the truth and you might as well avoid the temptation to self-deceive. Charmers don't dare take on people who are brash, bold and truthful about them--they know better. I heard a woman once tell her family who was ready to hurt her boyfriend, "Please don't make it hard for me." This is usually one reason why many abusive men still have breath in their bodies, because of their pleading wives or girlfriends who don't want the family's involvement in their abusive relationships.
When I was in a similar situation, I really didn't care what my relatives did to the abuser between breakups, because I knew I didn't want to be with him (at least temporarily). But when I wasn't ready to let him go, I was very secretive and defensive about "our business," (which was fighting often). I told lies to family members and learned to cover up my true feelings about him when we were alone out of fear that he would hurt me. I really wanted to have a normal relationship, but the reality was it was far from that. Research shows victims in abusive relationships will go back to their abusers at least seven times before finally breaking it off with them. Most family members are just not patient.
So what happened to that nice guy you thought you knew? Let us take a deeper look at these socially sweet men who are privately cruel. As you discover more about them, prepare yourself for the next ones who come your way from meeting you in church to sitting next to you at work, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire will help.  Purchase your copy today!


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