Thursday

If You Can't Keep Up, Shut Up

Sometimes we seek people who we think are a good match for us because they have a quality that we only wished we had.  He is fun, she is attractive and smart--they both like to party.  So we reason in our minds, "I want a relationship like theirs."  Knowing full well we are ill-equipped to handle certain personalities and interests. 

Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, rich, poor, happy or miserable, it would make sense to update yourself on what you like and don't like in a relationship.  Maybe you have changed over the years.  If you find yourself getting out more alone, then most likely you will be more adventurous with someone you are dating.  Test yourself on some of those interests others enjoy before you make them your own.  If you find yourself having to struggle to keep up with your dates, you are most likely pretending to be something you are not.  Some people just aren't active, don't enjoy eating healthy, or stepping out of their comfort zones.  Others are insecure and jealous.  They don't know how to deal with public stares, out-spoken individuals, or friends, exes, family etc.  Knowing this, you can't make anyone be something they are not (at least for a long period of time).  You might be able to persuade an individual to think outside of the box, but how long they stay out the box is ultimately up to them.

Over the years, I have dated cookie cutter kind of men.  They all were cut from the same dough and shaped the same way in their thought processes.  Most enjoyed pretty much the same things--eating, sleeping, watching sports on TV, and sex on weekends.  When I tried to get them to open up about other interests, they looked at me with a dumb look or criticized me for my ideas.  Some of these men really meant well and attempted to impress me by thinking outside the box, but that was short-lived. 

When dating, you have to honestly know what you like and don't like and be sincere when you communicate your interests, boundaries and other similar things to your dates.  Putting on an act, like you are the creative type when you know you are really the logical type, will only cause friction in your future relationship.  Pretending like you are an extrovert when in fact you know you are an introvert will only cause unnecessary conflict.  From saints to sinners, don't try to be something you know you are not deep down inside just because you think it impresses someone, you are gaining some type of material wealth, etc. 

Too often couples attempt to change one another.  He doesn't like his partner acting friendly toward others so he acts negatively in an effort to get her to stop being so cordial.  She doesn't like the fact he is a couch potato so she nags him about going places.  If you can't keep up, shut up!  No sense in arguing about why a date doesn't like, doesn't want, or doesn't enjoy your company and vice versa.  Avoid the temptation to exaggerate or lie about who you are and what you like from the beginning!  Take notice of those subtle signs a date is not the one before you agree to settle down with someone who may or may not be your match. 

Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

It's Just Not Working Out, Now What?

So you tried dating older, younger, close to your own age, and every number in between but this dating stuff is wearing you out, besides you are with someone right now that you aren't completely sold on.  When you feel this way, time to fall back. 

It takes time, money and energy to date as you very well know.  But sometimes other demands in life get the best of us and then those issues start trickling over into our dating experiences.  Other times we simply don't want to be bothered with dating, but we will go ahead with a romance just because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings.  However, sooner rather than later, a date may pick up on our lack of interest and jump ship or stick around and begin to annoy us until we make a move.  It is better to cut one's losses early then to string people along especially those who are younger or older.

A man who is in his midlife years is typically looking for someone who is going to keep him company and stick around for awhile.  He realizes the importance of life and values his years hoping to finally find happiness in his personal life.  The mature man may not be interested in marriage, but desire all the things that being in a committed relationship may bring.  But, this is a selfish motive especially if he chooses to continue to date a younger woman who hopes to get married and have children one day.  She will be hurt, confused, and possibly scarred for the rest of her life, if the older man doesn't do what's right and share how he truly feels and why a long term relationship with him just isn't going to work.

As for the younger woman, she most likely feels like she has a lot of years ahead to find her true love so she may not settle with the older man, but then again there is always that possibility that she will stick around if he treats her well.  She may fight feelings of wanting to let him go, but she may put on act in the meantime until she is sure.  Now if a younger woman chooses to date an older man for reasons other than the typical companionship, sex, new experience, security, etc. then there may be something more going on with her than meets the eye.  It isn't any wonder that someone dating her doesn't know what to think of the relationship.  There is always someone who breaks the mold.

Both younger and older dates, like any other date, have their reasons why they think a romance is a bust, not worth pursuing right now, or okay but without or with the sex depending on the agreement between the couple.  But whatever you think you want or don't want from your date, be clear about it.  For example, "I am no longer interested in a romantic relationship...I think it is best we part ways because I can't give you what you want...I realize we are not a match...I prefer to focus on XYZ and have no desire to date anymore." 

Avoid the temptation to pretend like things are okay when they are not.  People who fake like there is a future with someone will be found out and when that happens don't be surprised if Crazy shows up and shows out especially if you say things like, "I love you...I want to keep having sex...Live with me...Don't leave me...Give me sometime to think about things."  Crazy will yell, "So all this time you have been leading me on?  You never really wanted me, you just wanted to use me!  You don't love me, you love my...I outta call your wife!  Better yet, tell everyone you know what I think of you!"  Uh oh.

So when you are ready to stop dating someone:

1.  Do it gradually.  Less phone calls, dates, and avoid taking this person around your family and friends.

2.  Be sure you are no longer leaving things over this person's home.

3.  Don't tell his or her relatives, friends or co-workers how you truly feel.

4.  Contact someone if you feel like your date will act violently toward you.  Record your conversation, meet in a public area, or have a police escort come with you to the residence.

5.  If the person begins to stalk you, leave a photo with the security personnel at your workplace and tell them you wish not to be contacted by this person.  Alert your family and friends you are no longer seeing this person.  If need be, get a Protection From Abuse form from your local police department and also take one out in the community where your date resides.

6.  Keep track of dates and times your date as showed up unannounced at your job, home, and also contacted you by voicemail, email, snail mail, text, online chat, etc.

Be wise and try to maintain your cool as much as possible when ending a relationship.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains this dating blog as well, click here.
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