Wednesday

The Worry Over the Age Difference

He may have joked about your being a baby or was angry and accused you of acting immature. She may have commented about how old you are looking lately or laughed about how much older you act when in certain situations. It happens, the reality sinks in that she is young enough to be your daughter or he is old enough to be your dad. Before long, you are stressing about the large gap between your ages.

The thoughts of age differences come and go like a nagging headache. You would love to feel comfortable in this relationship, like you did with all the others when you started out, but you are finding it more and more difficult. How many times will you think, “When I was only this age, he was…” or “When she was only a baby, I was graduating from college…”? Don’t ignore those gut feelings. Some important differences are beginning to show and you will need to think about what makes you feel this way, address it, and if there is no resolve, consider moving on.

Sticking around with someone who you aren’t 100% convinced you want to commit to a long-term relationship will only conjure up feelings of resentment and thoughts like these: “Why did I ever get involved with him? What was I thinking when I slept with her? Who am I kidding, she is just too young! I could never see myself with him forever!”

When you least expect it, out slips something you wish you could take back. The next thing you know you find yourself or your partner is apologizing. However, insecure feelings have already arisen and there is nothing an apology can do. He or she will most likely worry over, “What did you really mean by that statement?” for a long time.

The best advice, when it comes to those age difference worries, is to take the time alone (without your partner, family or friends in your ear cheering your relationship or booing it.) Begin to start thinking long-term. The person you are dating has feelings and would very much like to know how you really feel about them. Tell the truth, because if you don’t, your actions (or lack thereof) will speak louder than words. Unfortunately, that’s when relationships problems really start showing up such as: the silent treatment, phone calls go unanswered, a partner starts dating others without officially breaking up, dates decline, arguments are more frequent, and lies increase.

Advice for the Older Dating Man

There are questions I believe for older men getting ready to date that sound a little like these! “Is it worth it?” “Do I have what it takes?” “Can I find a good woman who isn’t too dependent?” “Am I able to attract someone who I will want to marry?”

These are all good and relevant questions, and as advice for the older dating man, for us, they are all very important. We have usually worked now for the majority of our lives and like most older women, we have a lot to bring into a relationship that we could end up loosing. This is a world in whose moral fibers seem to be slipping into darkness.

At the same time technology has advanced to the point where we have more options at our finger tips for finding that elusive soul mate or trying our hand at a second or third marriage.

My advice for the older dating man is this; as a connoisseur in this arena and over fifty, it is to get to know your perspective mate. Is there any hurry? In some cases there may be, only to avoid temptations that would go against any spiritual beliefs. On this subject I can only say that faith is an essential additive in your progress. If the potential mate that you finally find is of your spiritual persuasion then you need to look for the spiritual fruit that only comes through maturity in the belief that you share. Even a mature Christian or whatever persuasion of faith that may be shared can fall into their own willful rut of relationship suicide. This is sometimes unavoidable. In these matters, the only advice I can give is to grasp a healthy and potent dose of forgiveness for the offensive person’s actions and heal thoroughly before trying again. For some, this seems to be an insurmountable task.

I want to address the questions posed above one at a time. A resounding, Yes, it is worth it! Man nor woman was not meant to be alone, nor to grow old without that intimate love and sharing that makes a person complete.

Do you have what it takes? Yes, all of us are of value, all of us have something to offer a potential spouse. We, no matter how ugly we may feel, we can be someone else’s dream husband. There’s an old adage that applies even to us men, and it goes like this, “one woman’s trash, is another woman’s treasure!” Of course it actually was, “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” but that had to do with real trash! My advice for the older dating man is, remember what you’re made of!

What’s important is that we have to be able to accept ourselves, before we will be acceptable to our potential spouse. Men, it is imperative that we know who we are and where we have been. It’s important to know what you want and where you want to go! While competence and maturity is an essential part of our character, keep it from becoming pride and arrogance. Your relationship, if it even begins to evolve will fall flat on its face in the midst of those two negative attributes. Women want a man who is confident in himself, but mixed with enough humility to create a proper balance.

As advice for the older dating man, women need a caring and loving man; not a boastful, cunning, arrogant, idiot. By the time we reach that over the hill status in our life we need to have shed those childlike qualities that say- this man never grew out of adolescence!

Can you find a woman who is not too independent? That is a good question! There are a lot of women out there who although their lifestyle or actions may say, I don’t need a man, deep inside; they need us as much as we need them. We were made to be together and to be in love, and not any other way!

To answer the last question, we can be attractive in many ways. Women aren’t as concerned as much at an older age about external qualities as they are with the inner man. We need to be mature, consistent, have integrity in what we do, be honest and being able to be romantic is a very necessary ingredient. At an older age, vanity is not as prevalent and many women can see through the love handles, the pitted facial qualities, the saggy skin and the bifocal lenses to the heart of a sincere, honest, humble, and warm heart and embrace your other qualities as well. So my final advice for the older dating man is this; show them a man who is real and that will last through the rest of the senior years. Better grow old together than to grow old alone.

Aaron Baker

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